Dinner at the Dunleavys

Mike: How was your day?

Junior: Terrible. We got our asses kicked by Kobe and Co. Damn, Andrew Bynum's got game. He's tall, long, athletic, strong, and agile. Plus he's got great hands, good footwork. And the guy's only 20 f*cking years old. Why couldn't I have been born like that?

Mike: Uh, because your mom and I are white.

Junior: Damn.

Mike: Don't be too hard on yourself. You did okay tonight. I mean, you actually led your team in scoring.

Junior: Not that it helped. We're really f*cked this year. When I can lead a team in scoring, you know we're f*cked.

Mike: You think you're screwed? You're just three games under .500. In the Eastern Conference. Heck, you guys are going to be in the playoffs for sure. Us? Sh*t. We'll be lucky if we have a postseason. F*ck. I may be out of a job next year if things don't get any better.

Junior: I don't get it. You have a decent team, even without Elton. You gotta think about another line of work, Dad.

Mike: Watch your mouth. I could say the same for you.

You Still Think I'm Old?

Yeah, I'm 32 years old. Sure, I've spent almost a dozen years in the L. But look at me. Do I look like one of those chumps who sit in front of their TVs munching on Doritos while having a Coke? Do you think there's an ounce of fat on me. None. Zero.

You know why? It's because when I'm on the court, I play my heart out. I run. And run. And run some more. I don't stop. I don't quit. I attack. And slash. And zip around the court like a two year-old who drank too much soda. You slow getting back? I'm going to get to the basket before you can say "defense."

Billy King, that retard who basically forced me to ask for a trade, felt that rebuilding was the way to go. That there wasn't any point in building a team around me, because I'm not the sort of guy you build teams around. Even though I got us in the Finals in 2001 with a bunch of chumps. Imagine what I could've done if you had given me a big man who could catch the damn ball (Sorry, Deke) or another consistent scorer to keep those defenses off me.

So rebuilding around the other AI is the answer, huh? How old is he? 23 years old? What do his stats look like? Just under 19 points, 4.7 dimes, 2 steals a game?

Me? I dunno, man. I'm pretty old. I'm a f*cking senior citizen in the L. I couldn't possibly be averaging more than 25 points a game. But guess what? I'm averaging just under 27 a game. While dishing out a shade under 7 assists. And playing D that's good enough for 2.4 steals a game. I'm 2nd in scoring in the NBA. Eleventh in assists. Third in steals.

Guess we know which AI still brings the sh*t, eh? Guess we know who The Answer really is, right?

Know what other stats matter? 109-96. That was the score today when we Nuggets whipped your asses. 21-12. That's our record right now.

So Philly, thanks for the memories. And for trading me. I'm definitely happier where I am now.

Allen

A Look Back at 2007

The Good

The resurgence of the Boston Celtics

Just when you thought that Danny Ainge was in the running to be the NBA's worst GM, he turned things around for the long-suffering Boston Celtics by acquiring Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen for over two thirds of the Celtics' 2006-2007 roster. The gamble has paid off, with the Celtics holding the NBA's best record and Boston now a favorite to reach the NBA Finals for the first time in over 20 years.

Jailblazers no more

When they shipped Zach Randolph to the New York Knicks before the beginning of the season, the Portland Trailblazers marked the end of the Jailblazer Era. With a group of young, athletic, team-oriented players led by 2007 Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy, Portland coach Nate McMillan has remade the Blazers in his own image. They play tough D, share the ball, and work their ass off every night... and no one gets in the papers for breaking the law.

The return of Grant Hill

People thought he wouldn't be able to play again, but in a Phoenix Suns uniform Grant Hill has shown that he can still play, and play well.

The Bad

The Houston Rockets: the more things change, the more they stay the same

At the beginning of each season, the Houston Rockets show a lot of promise, and this season was no exception, with new coach Rick Adelman and acquisitions like Luis Scola having people talking about the Rockets becoming the newest member of the Western Conference's elite. After a hot 6-1 start, Houston lost seven straight games and today are barely keeping their heads above water. With Tracy McGrady showing signs that he wants out, the Rockets don't look like a team that will make the playoffs, much less get out of the first round.

The Diesel slows down

A lot of premier players lose their game slowly, getting a step slower with each passing year. Few have huge drop-offs like the League's Most Dominating Ever, who is painful to watch on a mediocre Miami Heat team that is a far cry from the squad that won the 2006 NBA Finals. Shaquille O'Neal is as big as a dinosaur. Now he's as old as one, and plays like one.

Milwaukee can't buck the trend

Another team which had a promising season, with a star player poised for superstardom (Michael Redd) and a rookie with star-like qualities (Yi Jianlian) leading a balanced team that won five straight games in November, including one over the Dallas Mavericks, before losing eight of their next nine games. With a 12-20 record, they now sit at the cellar of the Central Division, and it doesn't look like things are going to change anytime soon.

The Ugly

The New York Knicks

What else need be said about the Knicks, who seem to personify everything that's wrong with NBA basketball.

Minnesota after KG

Admit it, Kevin McHale, you still love the Boston Celtics. Why else would you give your franchise's best player for a potential star (Al Jefferson) and some change? At the least, you could've gotten a proven star player and maybe a first round draft pick or two. But no, you and pal Danny Ainge got together and made a deal that made a lot of sense––for Boston, that is. Now the Timberwolves own the League's worst record, with only four wins in 32 games.

The Chicago Bulls' offense

Things may change with the firing of Scott Skiles, but if you watched the Bulls' games at the beginning of the season, you probably were tempted to change the channel. With Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, and Luol Deng bothered by trade talks and obviously uninspired by their temperamental head coach, the Bulls's young trio couldn't get into the groove and shot so poorly that Chicago defied expectations in the worst way, becoming one of the League's worst teams despite being touted as one of the favorites to reach the NBA Finals. Things may still turn around with new coach Jim Boylan at the helm, but with Eastern Conference teams like the Detroit Pistons and Boston Celtics already brimming with confidence, and the Bulls now having to claw their way into the playoffs, it may already be too late.

Big Win, Baby!

The Boston Celtics beat the Detroit Pistons, 92-85, ending the Pistons' 11-game winning streak and getting back at the Pistons for the Celtics' first home loss this season.

In a possible preview of the Eastern Conference Finals, the Celtics' bench came up big, outscoring Detroit's reserves 39-23, not bad for a team whose depth was questioned at the beginning of the season.

Boston's reserves answered those questions in their rematch with Detroit, with rookie forward Glen "Big Baby" Davis leading thew way with 20 points, the bulk of them in a tight fourth quarter against a defense that found itself collapsing on Paul Pierce, leaving the rook open underneath the basket. Though the box score didn't reflect it, the Celtics also got solid contributions from its other subs, with Tony Allen, James Posey, Eddie House, and Scot Pollard playing great defense and doing the little things to get the W.

Like A Fish Out Of Water...

...is how the Lakers felt when they donned not just retro uniforms, but retro shorts in their game against the Boston Celtics on December 30, 2007. Among those not thrilled about the shorts was Kobe Bryant:

"I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong, but I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half. I felt violated. I felt naked. It's one thing to see films with guys wearing those things. … I'd rather stay warm, man."

Not only did the Lakers look funny, they lost the game as well.

What The Celtics Have Shown Us This Year

One: They can play defense.

We knew that with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen onboard that the Celtics could score, but little did we know that with Kevin Garnett in the mix that Boston would transform itself into a top-notch defensive team. At present they lead the League in points allowed and opponents' field goal percentage, two statistical categories usually topped by the World Champion San Antonio Spurs.

Two: They can play with the big boys.

Never mind that they have yet to play the San Antonio Spurs and the Dallas Mavericks, two top-tier teams that haven't been as dominating as they have in previous years. Mind instead that were it not for two free throws, the Celtics would've beaten the Detroit Pistons after being down for most of the fourth quarter. Boston also beat the Lakers and the Jazz at home, two teams back-to-back on a tough road trip that many said would result in at least one loss for the men in green. They have the tools to keep up with the NBA's best, and by the time they have to face the teams in Texas, they'll have to confidence and swagger to come away with the Ws.

Three: They act unbeatable... and for the most part, are.

For a couple of times this season, I thought they would lose games. Their first against Toronto, for example. The ones against Miami, too. But each time it looked like they would lose, the C's always hit the big shots. You look at them and you get the feeling that they think they're invincible, and that no deficit is too large for them to overcome. In the game against the very cool and composed Pistons, they were down by six and they looked like Detroit had them beat. Then Eddie House and Ray Allen hit threes that got them back in the game. When they release their shots, you just KNOW they're going to go in. And that kind of ability is making teams nervous.

Four: Garnett, Pierce, and (Ray) Allen aren't the only decent players on this team.

One knock on the Celtics in the preseason was their depth, or, to be more precise, their lack of it. All the other players were question marks. Rajon Rondo? No jump shot, erratic. Kendrick Perkins? Too soft. Tony Allen? All jump and no game. James Posey? Too old. Eddie House? Too streaky. Glenn "Big Baby" Davis? Too fat. Brian Scalabrine? Brian Scalabrine?!?

Turns out that star power is contagious. In at least one game this season, the abovementioned players starred for the team. In what has become a familiar refrain, someone other than Boston's three stars has stepped up and become the team's x-factor, much to the delight of their three ego-less stars. Rondo, in particular, has been a revelation, a dependable point guard who has learned to use his speed to get to the basket, force turnovers, and push the ball. His defense has also been commendable, a pesky complement to the long-armed presence of KG.

"There's always somebody stepping up," says Celtics captain Paul Pierce. As long as this happens, chalk up more wins for Boston in the months ahead.

Five: Yes, they CAN win the NBA championship.

NBA teams are quickly learning that the Celtics are for real. NBA-Championship-For-Real. With only the Detroit Pistons with a legitimate shot at stopping their march to the NBA Finals, the Celtics are poised to make a return to the Promised Land after a 21-year hiatus. Expect Garnett, Pierce, and Allen to use their small window of opportunity to win it all (the three are all over 30 years old).